Divided Personalities

Everyone has been through something that has changed them in a particular way. Experiences that took a toll on them. Turned some us into beasts and others into beauties for lack of a better word. Let’s just say they split our personalities.

I want you to relate…so i'm gon make this short…This is my story…

"I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Rather my parents were mature enough to accept me.

I didn’t have everything I wanted as a child. I was taught to be satisfied with what I needed . Get it? “ want “….” need “….

Dad was strict. He kept me indoors. His reasons were practical though. I was a reserved child and my teenage years were dubbed as “boring”. I never used to “fit in”. Events, house parties,…Ya dig???!

I was the Shy, reserved and anti-social just to mention but a few adjectives. Just negativity yes? "

Don’t worry though. Am all grown up now, none of those words describes my current being. My point here!!?

My past divided me. It created two persons.
Person one is the one who grew up shattered and broken by her past. Deep down I reminisce and promise never to go back or re-live it. She sometimes keeps to herself because of her inner fears.

Person two turned all the negativity into positive factors. She’s the person social media knows. She’s the person her friends know. She’s happier, social and talkative once you get passed my 3007 layers. Why? She wants to make others happy. She wants to love and to be loved. She wants to make others smile and remind them that despite their inner hurts there are going to be better days.

You have a past? It split you? Use it to your
advantage. How? Only you have the answer to that. You relate? I hope you did.

Warmest Regards.

Unseen Hope.

She didn't know what she wanted
And she knew how no one ever did...
But she knew one thing:
She wanted to be found in the rain.

She wanted to run wild...
She wanted to fall, and feel safe
But dangerous enough
To let her heart drop.

She wanted love,
True love, pure and kind and untouched.
The kind that wasn't ruined
By the chaos of the world.

The kind you would find,
In a small coffee shop,
In some foreign country.

That is all she ever wanted,
And she didn't know where,
Or how it would appear,
But she knew, deep within her,
It would show itself,
In the form of something,
Unexpected.

Who Are You?

A dimly lit room,
strangers,
we sit –
on creaking chairs
listening
to the storm
rage,
seethe
outside.

The candles are hushed,
and whispers rise
from the walls,
dissolving –
like the dead love –
lying,
rotting
between us.

Your smiles,
fake,
Your words,
too late,
Your eyes,
leave me
before
your thoughts
reach me.

I sit here
in the darkness
when you
go out –
leaving me
alone.

Still,
I sit here –
wishing
I knew you
wishing
I was
someone..anyone else,
wishing,
wishing
for a second chance.

Social Anxiety

Afraid to go out

Afraid to talk to people

Its difficult to make friends

I'd rather be home....ALONE

Scared to be in a big crowd of people

Panicking about going to a social event

Nervous about meeting someone new

Staying quiet instead of asking for something you need

Scared to ask someone something

Feeling like everyone is watching you

Regretting going out!

I am a fire cracker😒

Smell The Coffee

Recently I accidentally overheard a conversation between a couple of young girls who from the looks had just finished high school. They were on and on about how amazing our ‘Socialites’ are and how many followers they had on instagram and all the other famous social media sites. They spoke with so much awe at how much attention these women got.

This got me thinking, how many more young girls have been sold on the idea of quick fame being shoved in our faces by these new age socialites? Take a random look at your Instagram page, will you go without an ass picture there, a twerk video here, a thirst trap with a mislead Bible quote for whatever absurd reason. With people trying to ‘break the internet’ every other day, social media reeks of missing fathers and troubled childhoods.

In some way I kinda understood where these girls were coming from. Imagine toiling away for four years, flexing your HELB money while our socialites ride around in cars that some of our parents can only dream of driving, barely living off indomie and cheap liquor while these ladies have dinner at Villa Rossa and drink Hennessy. Seriously! What else would you do?

So you start by having a ‘Professional photo shoot’ with your ass out. A marketing strategy in its own right, wait for guys to fuss over your bountiful bosom or your enormous behind. A new human hair weave, an iPhone here, a few trips to Nigeria and a few club appearances later. That HELB money starts looking like pocket change. You are now officially a ‘star’. Soon all this education vibe starts getting in the way of your fabulousity, jet-setter life and it goes out the window real quick.

The bad bitch complex will have you thinking that all you need in this life is a nice face and a banging body and that being witty is a reserve for boring plain-Jane women. Bad bitches are the kind of women who think that having your ass out on the internet  defines how sexy you are. What happened to being sexy with our clothes on ladies?

Bad bitches will say the dumbest and most absurd things and do despicable things just for the 15 seconds of fame it accords them. Publicity is amazing for them.Bad publicity  is not something that exists in their books.
Bad bitches are the kind to get excited by thirsty guys who praise their body rather than their intellectual capabilities.

Men are also notorious for fostering this complex. They gas up these females so bad, all the thirsty comments and compliments go to their heads and they think they are invincible. When the hype dies down is when you realize you can not put instagram likes in your CV, you can’t use you thirsty male ‘fans’ as references and that body certainly won’t be banging forever.

This façade will soon go away, you will start to long for what the boring witty people have, great jobs, great families and real happiness. This is a void that no fame in the world could possibly fill. The books and plain Jane life suddenly don’t sound that bad huh?

Something ‘bad bitches’ tend to forget is that men actually appreciate someone they can have an intellectual and meaningful conversation with, no man is really trying to talk or hear about weaves all the time.

I’m not really trying to be shady. Hey floss those cakes honey, go ahead, be dumb for a few retweets. Live by the ‘you know my name not my story’ ideology just remember
that we are living in times where people expect brains to be attached to those curves, get familiar!

Smell the coffee.

Regards.

I Dream Of You

I
wake up
as it begins to
rain.

I
wake up
to
thunder
in my
veins.

Slightly dying –
this
bitter day.

I
wake up –
even as I fall asleep
in
your arms.

And sleeping,
the bitterness flies –
leaving only
dreams,
dreams of
you.

                                 * * *

Art by: el.carna 

Sorry. She's Not Sorry.

Sorry
I'm not good enough for you

Sorry
I'm not what you ever dreamt of

Sorry
I'm not pretty enough to you

Sorry
I'm not creative in your eyes

Sorry
I don't tickle your fancy

Sorry
Fashion is not a priority to me

Sorry
She's all you think of

Sorry
Your parents were not there for you

Sorry
Your siblings don't appreciate you as they should

Sorry
Your destinied 'future' doesn't seem brighter no more

Sorry
Your boss is a pain the A**

Sorry
Your life turned out this way

Sorry
College was never in the picture for you

Sorry
They lied to you

Sorry
You don't believe God exists

But am sorry you don't believe in me

Am sorry you don't see my worth.

Wait...

Maybe am sorry, Maybe am not.

But Am Not sorry for being Myself.

Get Your Sugar On!

It has been said over and over again that life gives us lemons so that we can make lemonade. Sometimes I just can’t find the sugar to add to my lemons to make them sweet enough.:-)

What if I was born rich? (I didn’t say being born rich is a crime), the crime is how you manipulate the riches. Back to my point…I would definitely be happy, who would not? But wait, then i would not get to experience life and learn that to get to the top, patience, uniqueness, God and perseverance is required. I am still on my way to the top, so worry not, we are treading on the same ground, we”ll meet up there.

What if love was just a plain four letter word with no complicated comprehension? It would be less “stress” huh? No fights, no breakups, no rebounds, no Taylor Swift love songs to keep some of us going. But wait, No lessons too. There’s no life without lessons. Is there?

What if I was famous on Instagram? Haha, Dumb right?…No..It’s an innocent thought. A follow maybe [@kanali_tha_bossette ]. Let me warn you, I seldom follow back. I dare you to follow though. Back to my point, IG fame equals more DM’s, more likes on my posts and more recognition among my peers. But then would I be happy? Would you be happy? Personally chances are I would. Hold that thought though. Is public recognition supposed to make you happy or is it personal recognition? Food for thought doe.

What if I was slim? *chuckles* Much bigger behind maybe. We all know what that means. Much fuller chest perhaps. Again. The typical girl’s dream. But hey, maybe i would be the model everyone seems to see me for. 

Finding my sugar…Are you?

Well am concluding that finding my sugar just needs a little more positivity, otherwise I’d only be making lemon juice not lemonade.

Get it?. You don’t have to.Just relate.

Regards.

22 Things I Have Learnt Before 22

Part 2

12. Mind your own business. You don’t have to know everything. Of course knowledge is power, but you don’t need to keep poking your nose in everyone’s business. It’s unattractive and annoying. Stay in your lane, focus on improving yourself, not investigating Julie’s new boyfriend, or why Mike and Hanna broke up. It’s none of your business. Everytime you want to meddle, grab yourself a cup of tea instead.

13. Things won’t always work out as you planned. Oh, that’s a knife to the throat for the dreamers and planners. You will make a list of things, predict how your life will turn out then the opposite happens and you’re like, excuse me, what? But that’s ok. When one door closes another one opens, and when all the doors are shut, pray in the hallway. Relax, things may not be going as you planned and that’s ok. It’s not the end. The end never feels like the end.

14. Enjoy the little things. I remember when I was in high school, my friends would drop cute notes in my desk, maybe to wish me a nice day or success in my exam. Honestly, those notes made my days and I have most of them to this day.
Life isn’t about big things like raves on Friday night, or the day ‘bae’ makes the relationship official. Nope. It’s lunch with the friends you see everyday or witty conversations while taking a walk with your best friend. The sooner you realise it, the happier you’ll get will time. You will begin to appreciate moments more.

15. Don’t force issues. Your crush doesn’t like you? Ok. You’re doing squats but your behind seems to be getting flatter? Alright. Your almost bff decides to go silent on you for a whole semester? Brilliant. Take a chill pill. Breathe.
Relationships, friendships and trying to get a big booty are like farts, if you force them it’s shit.
So chill, if your crush doesn’t like you back, you’ll move on to another crush who doesn’t like you back. Your friend will come around after she’s had enough space from your toxic self.
You won’t like nice in yoga pants. Life has a way of making things work out. Except you’re working out but nothing’s happening.

16. It’s ok to feel lost sometimes. Some days you’ll wake up and feel empty for no reason. Talking to people will seem too exhausting and understanding yourself will be almost impossible. It’s ok, it happens to the best of us. Think of it as a way to discover a new part of yourself because as we continue to live, we go through experiences that change us in one way or another.

17. Love yourself. (On to our third trite.)
This is by far the hardest thing to do. When you hear that statement, you remember the pimple on your face and your short legs and ♥♥♥♥handles and you’re just like :( But that’s ok. Those flaws are what make you you. You have a tummy so you can’t be a model but you can be a photographer and still work in the modelling agency. It’s about learning to embrace your flaws and making them work for you. Of course not everyone will love you, but that doesn’t matter. When you love yourself you become indestructible. Also, self-love is a journey. So keep feeding your soul with the right things.

18. Distractions are allowed and solitude is important, but in moderation since both are very addictive. It’s ok to get away from reality, occasionally. You don’t have to do drugs though, working out or cooking your favourite meal are great stress relievers as well. And as for solitude.

19. Religion is important. At this age, we want to go out, take shots, sleep on Sundays and read romantic novels on Wattpad, and that’s ok. But in our misadventures, we mustn’t forget God. Praying and reading the Bible is a difficult habit to form but it’s not impossible. Start slowly, and just grow spiritually on your own. As Christianity infiltrates your life, it will be much easier to let go of worldly habits.

20. It’s ok to be single, just see it as a chance to improve and educate yourself. Social media isn’t all about likes, memes and vines. There are some good quotes and poems and all that motivational stuff. Read them, take screenshots and reread them. You will increase your thinking to unknown depths in addition to learning a lot. So by the time you get a boyfriend, you’ll be one mature and wise girl. Hallo long-term relationship because no man in his right senses would want to let go of you.

21. Have fun a little. Yes you need to work, yes things need to work out but seriously, you need a break too. Remember, all work and no play? Yes. So have a little fun. Do the things you never thought of doing. Travel around. Visit new places. Learn about the different cultures. Read a book. It will broaden your thoughts in ways you never imagined. Just have fun!

22. WAKE, PRAY, SLAY. REPEAT.

22 Things I Have Learnt Before 22

PART 1

1. Your true friends aren’t the ones you’ve known the longest, rather people who’ve got your back. Do you know how important such people are? They’d die for you when the backstabbers decide to hit.

2. You and your best friends will grow apart. You won’t fight or steal each other’s boyfriends, you just will. Not that there’s no spark anymore, there is. But you’ll get busy, so so busy and this person will slowly slip away.

3. You do not have to broadcast your every high and low. I knew this before, and I was doing it on Instagram, facebook and twitter, and to me that was ok. But I was doing it everywhere else (My Space mostly.) Like if I got a new crush, the top 7 besties would be informed. That kind of ‘openness’ isn’t necessary and is almost always regretted.

4. You will meet your almost-soulmate. This guy is just something else. You have a bunch of things in common, you think alike and he will get your weirdness and complement you perfectly. You will think he’s ‘the one’ but things won’t work out. You don’t have to fight, he’ll just be the one that got away.

5. Waiting is a lifestyle not a choice, as is Christianity. You can decide to be a Christian but if you do not make it your lifestyle then it’s a poor investment. Waiting needs to be a lifestyle. You have to constantly remind yourself why it is important because temptation will arise.

6. Life goes on, with or without you. It’s so shocking how fast time moves. Approaching the end of my fourth year ‘outside’ ( high school.) the reality dawns on me. I meet my former school mates in the CBD almost every week (unplanned for of course.) and some are working, some are doing crazy courses in the university and others have amazing marriages and some boyfriends. (Others not.) Life waits for no man so enjoy the present because you’ll never be as young as you are now.

7. Time heals. How cliché, but oh how true. I wish you knew the weight those two words carry. You will get heartbroken by a guy who was too busy to see you on your birthday and during your next one, you will spend the better part of the day with a boy more beautiful than you and your old news won't cross your mind. Not even once.
So keep remind yourself there are people worth meeting because it is sad that as we are busy crying over a guy there are a million others out there that we are not aware of.

8. Express yourself. Don't be scared of saying how you feel, or what you think. In short be yourself. If you're a sensitive emotional girl, or a boy who loves pink, flaunt it. I saw a tweet early in the morning that said, "be crazy, be random, be weird because you'll never know who'll love the person you hide"

9. Its not always about you. The photo won't be deleted because you don't look nice in it, the music everyone is enjoying wont be changed because it reminds you of your ex.
How do we like to think that this is life...starring Kanali, Jenny or Higg. NO. This is life and guess what, you and 7 billion other people have leading roles, good luck. Treat each other with respect because you're all equal. So next time your feeling better than everyone else, remember you are busy boasting over a spotlight you share with the whole world. Lets see how well that goes. :-)

10. It is what you tell yourself everyday and who is around you. Remember perception: its all in the mind. Are the voices in your head making you grow or are they belittling you as the day goes by.  And if its the latter, are the people around you trying to make you see otherwise? Knowing who your true friends are is easy. You just need to be keen.

11. You don't have to proove them wrong. We have all been in that situation where people doubt you and say how you can't make it. Well, you dont always have to proove to them, as long as you know it deep down that you can and you will, then you go go go. Just dont doubt yourself. It kills more dreams than failure ever will. Just be crazy enough to think you can :-)